Don’t we all?

on

with a head full of nonsense I ran from the kitchen holding a mug and a sugar ring donut, which was falling to pieces all over the carpet, while I’m spilling coffee all over the floor.

I could have laughed when I realised.  Instead I cursed and threw words from my mouth.

I’ve spent the last few days trying to finish a post about Post Pop Depression.  On Thursday I figured it just needed a couple of pictures, which I took on Friday night.  Then, just before I hit publish, I did that proof reading thing… something I rarely do… and immediately I wanted to edit it.  Add and remove bits and pieces.  “what if that doesn’t make sense?  what if someone wants to know more…?”  None of it required, of course.  But the amendments were made.  Or at least started.  Now it’s unrecognisable and, largely, incoherent.

So it joins another sixteen draft posts.

Jeez.

And it’s got me thinking.  I have little or no direction here.  I never have done and while that’s not a bad thing, I’m not entirely happy with what I’m doing.  There are posts I’m happy with and posts that I’m not happy with.

Y’see, I write… I get distracted… I follow a thread and lose the other end.  It gets tangled.  I get frustrated untangling and it gets more tangled.  A big tangled mess of words.  So I bin it.  Or at least leave it with the intention to go back to it.  But I know I wont… and I never do.

Clean slate.  Start again.  I love this album… but I struggle to find the motivation to write and I struggle to write when I find the motivation.  Why can’t I articulate why I like Iggy Pop (or for anyone for that matter)?

I write too much… to a point that I delete stuff.  Or edit.  Again.

Delete.  Edit.  Start again.

Edit.  Delete.  Repeat.

To a point that it’s no longer cohesive.  Again.

It’s not passion.  It’s rambling.

I just can’t make sense of it.

Focus, Jim… focus.

I usually have about ten posts at any one time sitting in the drafts.  I currently have seventeen.  Seventeen.  Unfinishedly unfinished.  Not a phrase, but I’m the writer here and I’ll take it.

And that got me thinking about stuff.

I’m a husband and a father.  Also a friend.  I’ve been working in the same job for nearly 10 years and it has its moments.  I’m vinyl daft.  Music daft.  I also happen to, occasionally, write and sing songs (though I don’t really identify with that any more).  I sometimes feel anxious about stuff.  Daft stuff.  Stuff that really isn’t important: Like forgetting keys.  Or a phone charger.  Or dropping a fork.

Or writing the wrong thing.  The wrong date.  Or not posting the right video in the right place.

I have an anxiety disorder.

But that’s fine.

I worry about my kids.  My wife.  My friends.  Don’t we all?

I have friends I haven’t seen in months… or years.  I wish I had more time and that I made more effort to see people I give a damn about.  Again, don’t we all?  I also wish I got to the post office and posted that book or CD that I keep meaning to.

I wish I made different choices at times.  I wish I wasn’t so impulsive.  Saying things when I should perhaps just smile and nod.  Or not smile and nod and say something.  I try not to be impulsive or compulsive.  I’m not organised.  I can’t organise.  I need direction.  A nudge.  A rudder.

Though… sometimes I can organise.  So there.

I’m easily distracted.  Or a distraction.  Is it possible to be both?  I guess so.

I can obsess over things.  I discover something new and I need to know all about it / she / he / them right now.  Like nowNOW.  Even when it’s lights out.

I guess I’m a sucker for detail.  For sorting things.  Making sense of things.  But that takes up time, huh?  I could be doing other things when something’s really not all that important… so why do I need to do that now??

I pack information into zip files and store them in my head.

I can do the dishes in 20 minutes.

Or I can do the same amount of dishes but take over an hour.

I am slow.

I struggle to focus.  Always doing more than one thing at any time.  “I’ll just do this here while I wait for that there”… distracted… “oh, I forgot about that”.  Unless I’m given a nudge.  A steer.  Direction.

Not all the time, though.

I have four books that I want to read and I started all of them before I put them down cause that just wasn’t working out.  Focus, Jim.  Focus.

I perhaps expect too much of myself at times and, as a result, it disables rational thinking and I feel overwhelmed.

Perhaps I expect too much of others, too.

What am I saying?  I don’t really know.

But what I do know:

  • I love my family
  • I like music and I dig my modest record collection.  I listen to each of those records and I get to know them, too.  The sleeves and the grooves.  I like the listening ritual.  It takes time.  Care.  Attention.
  • My writing hasn’t gotten any better despite doing this for a while
  • I enjoy engaging with you folks
  • Sleep’s The Sciences is my album of the year so far
  • I also have less friends than social media suggests
  • I am currently obsessed with Earthless
  • I genuinely love Pacific Rim
  • David Lee Roth era Van Halen is amazing

Thanks for following, reading, and engaging here.  It’s appreciated.

And remember, an album, song, or artist doesn’t have to set the bar or be a game changer… but if they make you feel for a bit… feel anything… then we have a winner.  I mean, sometimes music isn’t just well crafted with lovely chords and words, but it takes me someplace else… it transcends being a sequence of notes of chords.  I love that.

Don’t we all?

 

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45 Comments Add yours

  1. mikeladano says:

    Damn right, DLR-VH is amazing!

    I wish I wasn’t so impulsive, too.

    I dunno man, I think you’re a good writer. Do you really “know” you’re not getting better? Have you read something of yours from ten years ago to compare?

    Liked by 3 people

    1. J. says:

      That’s a good question, Mike… I haven’t. I guess I mean that I still can’t seem to work out how to write… I still ramble.

      And I appreciate the comment – seriously. Perhaps I’m too critical… that whole expectation thing is just way too high. Thanks.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. deKE says:

    Great post Mr J!
    Your a fantastic writer dude! I’m impressed with all the writers that I follow! They are all great reads and the best thing It’s from all parts of this thing we call the Globe!
    I look back sometimes if I link an old article from yesteryear and realize I wrote a lot of slop and thats due to the fact I had no idea wordpress had spellcheck until Sue found it which was like a two years after I started this…
    I tend to think my writing slop is a little more refined….
    I have a bunch of stuff as well I start than move on…Metallica’s Hardwired took me forever….whereas other stuff comes easy….

    Yeah DLR was the man back than…I’m thinking of rewriting Eat Em as I got the vinyl and Skyscraper as well….

    Who knows I may change my mind in two minutes…haha

    Liked by 1 person

    1. J. says:

      Thanks, Deke. I think I got caught up in stuff and just couldn’t get focused.

      I’d obviously encourage you to rewrite Eat ‘Em, cause I could read thoughts on that album all day long. Outstanding stuff. I may even write about it myself… in 2056. Haha!! But seriously, go for it… easily one of my favourite records in my collection.

      Liked by 2 people

  3. When I hit ‘Like’ for this post, I don’t really mean that I like those feelings you describe when I get them, any more than I imagine you do. But I do like openness, authenticity, and courage, all of which are here in abundance. Thank you for offering this window into your world, Jim. Really, anyone can write about an album/artist. But it takes something special to reveal yourself. This is my favourite post of yours.
    – Bruce

    Liked by 3 people

    1. J. says:

      Thanks, Bruce – I appreciate it.

      Liked by 2 people

  4. Paul Kerr says:

    If you weren’t a decent writer then no one here would be here, if you know what I mean. I dig your album posts, they’re informative, entertaining and, importantly, have a sense of the enthusiasm you have for whatever album you’re dissecting. We’re all prone to moments of doubt, anxiety can manifest anywhere. It’s important to open up if you feel the need to and in the light of the recent tragedy of Scott Hutchison’s demise it’s important that people listen and support.
    Above all, your writing is your choice. Family and friends come first and I’m sure that all who visit this page can take third place happily as long as you and your family are happy first.
    Paul

    Liked by 2 people

    1. J. says:

      Thanks, Paul. I had a difficult few days and the frustrations kinda piled up… but yeah, having support is important and I’m lucky that I’ve always had people around me I can chat to.

      I appreciate the comments and support (also, we need to catch up at some point… it’s been an awfy long time).

      Liked by 1 person

  5. 1537 says:

    Hmm, what are these emotions you speak of? I have heard of them.

    Liked by 6 people

  6. DanicaPiche says:

    You’re one of my favorite bloggers, J. Keep doing what you’re doing… or not doing, or re-doing…. 😉

    Liked by 2 people

    1. J. says:

      Thanks, Danica – I’ll keep doing what I’m doing, not doing, and re-doing! 😀

      Liked by 2 people

  7. Spoilt Victorian Child says:

    Music is a great leveller. It’s united all of us,after all. Keep going.
    As the old Irish genius Samuel Beckett himself said, Fail. Fail again. Fail better’.
    That’s what we’re all striving for!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. J. says:

      Thanks for stopping by and for the comment… I like that quote very much!

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Spoilt Victorian Child says:

        Thanks, I appreciate that.

        Liked by 1 person

  8. boppinsblog says:

    You are an amazing writer and a wicked singer.
    I am curious why don’t you associate with singing anymore.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. J. says:

      Cheers, Bop. I guess I just haven’t done the music thing for so long.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. jprobichaud says:

    Don’t we all, indeed. I agree with the rest of these folks. You’re a great writer. And the fact that question it and question whether or not you’re getting better, probably makes you better.

    I struggle with perfecting my posts also. I write a lot of mine weeks in advance and edit them five or six times before they see the light. Then, I just let them go, typos and missing words be damned.

    Keep it up (if it makes you happy). Your comments, opinions, and our subsequent discussions are always appreciated. Cheers.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. J. says:

      I’ll keep it up – I like writing, I just struggle sometimes with letting something go. It’s nice to read your experiences and I’ll definitely try to let things go and push publish.

      I’ll also look over the drafts and see what I can let go…

      Thanks, JP.

      Liked by 2 people

  10. Jay says:

    We all do.

    Blogging needn’t come with all the pressure. Some people post 10 times a day, off the top of their heads with no editing. Perfection doesn’t exist, but there’s a time and place for coming close. Here, I think you’re safe to do whatever, because we like you, we like what your voice and what you have to say.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. J. says:

      Thanks, Jay. A bunch of things all sorta came at one time and I got a tad overwhelmed… Post Pop Depression being something of a straw…

      I appreciate the comment and I write here for two reasons: 1) I enjoy rambling about music and 2) all you guys.

      Liked by 1 person

  11. hotfox63 says:

    Should I give now preference to an proper record collection or a proper relationship?

    Liked by 2 people

    1. J. says:

      Why not do both!

      Liked by 2 people

      1. hotfox63 says:

        Last questions, no answers.

        Liked by 1 person

  12. Sarca says:

    Seventeen posts in draft?? Don’t be looking in my dashboard…I got a lot more than 17 posts in draft…lol

    Liked by 2 people

    1. J. says:

      Haha! Thanks – that makes me feel a whole lot better about the draft scenario.

      … out of interest, how many do you have? Ha!

      Liked by 1 person

  13. 80smetalman says:

    You sound a lot like me. Loads of things to do and no time to do them in. When I first started, I knew my main objective of my blog was to sell copies of “Rock and Roll Children” but after a few posts, I felt like a glorified newspaper columnist. That’s why I have taken the direction I have, putting my own spin on music history. What you need to do is to do what you feel comfortable with. I really enjoy reading your posts and if you are able to post, daily, weekly, monthly or less, I will still read your posts. Keep up the good work.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. J. says:

      Cheers, Michael. I think the time thing is definitely something that got to me a bit over the last few weeks. I was chatting with my wife about it all and we were saying that’s a struggle when there’s so much going on… you can’t quite get to that time you need… and when you have so little of it, it can feel like some of it is wasted easily (by spending too much time editing / writing a post, in this case!).

      Liked by 2 people

  14. Jim S. says:

    Keep on keepin’ on, I say. If you enjoy music and writing about it, might as well do it. I have a bunch of drafts that likewise have gone nowhere. I don’t worry about them too much. Just go with the flow and if another better idea for a post comes up, go with that. Hey, we’re only bloggers. No rocket science.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. J. says:

      Maybe that’s my mistake!! I should have gotten into rocket science!! 😀

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Jim S. says:

        Never too late.

        Liked by 2 people

  15. I’m often having fankles about my writing. Just can’t seem to bash them out as fast as I’d like.

    Just a thought though, your Instagram posts are always great… why can’t they be blog posts too?

    I often think that when I put stuff up on social media. Couldn’t I just have stuck this on my site too? Or instead?

    Liked by 2 people

    1. J. says:

      Cheers, man… I hadn’t really given that any thought. I guess the fact that I can’t be arsed typing so much on my phone helps keep those posts concise and to the point. I may just start posting the same thing here… thanks!!

      Liked by 1 person

  16. Chris says:

    “Always doing more than one thing at any time” I need to work on as well. A symptom of our times (5-10 web pages open simultaneously is not a rare occurrence). We really ought to strive towards doing one thing at a time for the sake of our own well-being, such as listening to an entire album or reading a chapter in a book(and turning off our devices to avoid distractions)

    Liked by 2 people

    1. J. says:

      Exactly. I’ve been trying to be a bit more intentional about how I spend my time. Phone put to the side, headphones on to listen to music in the evening if I can…

      Liked by 1 person

  17. I missed this take. You’re last paragraph is why I’m here. The reason I keep coming back to your takes (and others) is the personal connection to the music (film) that you have. I get some new tunes and a few “smiles and grins”on the side. Just like the music/film that CB digs, he digs your style. I give my so called takes, warts and all. The funny thing is a few people keep coming back for more. That’s funny. Keep the takes coming. I need more music on my pile and a few more flicks to watch.
    (I to am listening to Earthless. That damn 1537 guy)

    Liked by 2 people

    1. J. says:

      Thanks, CB… I’m one of those that, since finding your place, likes to hang around and read what you have to say.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Thanks You must be a bit twisted but I like things a little bent. I’ve been meaning to revisit your music. I enjoyed that. On the list for things to do along with give the cat a bath.

        Liked by 2 people

      2. J. says:

        I have a pretty long list myself… and the new Wooden Shjips album is taking up a chunk of listening time.

        Liked by 2 people

      3. Vinyl Connection pointed me towards them a long time ago and i just started to dip my toes. We are on the same wavelength.

        Liked by 2 people

      4. J. says:

        They’re pretty great, but I think their new album is pretty special.

        Liked by 2 people

      5. I will go right to that one. Thanks.

        Liked by 2 people

      6. J. says:

        Yeah, V is a good starting point, as it’s easily their most accessible (I think!). That said, you can’t go wrong with the self-titled album or West as alternatives.

        Liked by 2 people

      7. Your’re like me. When you asked about Joe Ely. I have about 20 albums. You have given me starting point. I like what I hear with these guys. I’m all over the place with my listening right now (as usual). The music is just sounding REAL good! Thanks for the time.

        Liked by 2 people

      8. J. says:

        Exactly how I’m feeling about music right now… so much good stuff and I’m connecting with so much of it, too.

        Liked by 2 people

      9. Yeah, I’m starting this new thing with my takes. I’m still doing the chronological trip with both film/music but I’m going to drop more recent music in the mix or I’ll be dead before i get to half of it. I’ve already started with the films.

        Liked by 2 people

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